Someone on Craigslist is looking to unload a few monkeys. Really. Blankets is beyond interested and asks me to proofread her email to the seller. Here it is, used with permission:
"I have never owned a monkey but have always wanted to. I live on an acre and have had animals my whole life, birds, horses, rabbits, cats, dogs, rescued squirrels, bats and other animals. I grew up next to a dairy so I have spent a lot of time around cattle too. My point being I love all animals and am interested in hearing a little more about yours. Are you asking rehoming feels and if so, how much? Do they come with cages? Please let me know."
11.30.2011
11.24.2011
And Youre Mama Dresses You Funny
From a utility box in Portland, Oregon. Sometimes an apostrophe error can really mitigate an insult.
--Submitted by DD
--Submitted by DD
11.23.2011
I've Got This Rash
My friend is a psychologist and works at an in-patient physical rehabilitation hospital. Patients are always giving her TMI, for example:
"I've got this rash on my chest and it goes all the way down to my NUTS!!!"
"I've got this rash on my chest and it goes all the way down to my NUTS!!!"
They're Sister Monkeys
Blankets, talking to a bunch of kids in Sana's class:
"You haven't seen the ice monkeys? Oh my God, they're SO cool!"
(Uses Sana's computer to pull up pics of ice monkeys from the internet, on the Activeboard.)
"Who doesn't love an ice monkey?! It doesn't get better than this! Look at 'em all--they're picking each other's backs. They pick the fleas off. Look at that--they're all friends! They're Sister monkeys."
--Submitted by Sana and Nancy
"You haven't seen the ice monkeys? Oh my God, they're SO cool!"
(Uses Sana's computer to pull up pics of ice monkeys from the internet, on the Activeboard.)
"Who doesn't love an ice monkey?! It doesn't get better than this! Look at 'em all--they're picking each other's backs. They pick the fleas off. Look at that--they're all friends! They're Sister monkeys."
--Submitted by Sana and Nancy
Focus!
Nancy has some nerve pain and took a few too many Aleves (and 1/4 of a percocet). Her college-aged daughter, Maddy, stopped by with a remedy...a little adderall. Left this note for her in Sana's class.
NOT HIS BAD ONE!
Middle school student conflict--each kid was asked to write up what happened. Here's what they said:
Student A:
"I sat down with a lot of food and people were asking if they could have a tater-tot and then Student B took 2-3 tater-tots. I didn't like that he took 2-3 of my tater-tots, so I took a small piece of his candy. Then he kicked me in my bad leg."
Student B:
"I stole one of his tater tots thinking he wouldn't mind * but then he looked at me as if I just ate his pet. Then he stole a piece of German chocolate and I asked to give it back nicely, but he ate it. Then I asked him if he thought I could just go to QFC and buy it *. He cleverly said yes and then I kicked him in his good shin. NOT HIS BAD ONE! Then he tried to kick me back and I said "missed."
*When he had like 20 of them
*It costs $15. I bet that tater tots don't cost that much
--Submitted by LO
Student A:
"I sat down with a lot of food and people were asking if they could have a tater-tot and then Student B took 2-3 tater-tots. I didn't like that he took 2-3 of my tater-tots, so I took a small piece of his candy. Then he kicked me in my bad leg."
Student B:
"I stole one of his tater tots thinking he wouldn't mind * but then he looked at me as if I just ate his pet. Then he stole a piece of German chocolate and I asked to give it back nicely, but he ate it. Then I asked him if he thought I could just go to QFC and buy it *. He cleverly said yes and then I kicked him in his good shin. NOT HIS BAD ONE! Then he tried to kick me back and I said "missed."
*When he had like 20 of them
*It costs $15. I bet that tater tots don't cost that much
--Submitted by LO
11.22.2011
One More Small Step
Came across this accidentally on FB...
The status: I have colone now, one more small step to becoming a man
The comment: 2nd step is spelling cologne right
Nipper Zippers
A student came in with a new leather jacket. It was his birthday
on Saturday and this was a present. It has, “Nipper Zippers!”, he announced
proudly, zipping and unzipping the two pockets aligned with his nipples.
--submitted by ST
--submitted by ST
Bon Appetit!
Middle school student talking about the man- eating mermaids at the bottom of the
“They are so beautiful,” he says, “They attract all the men to drown them and eat them!”
--submitted by ST
No, That's Okay
Blankets walks into my classroom in the middle of class, opens up my
mini-fridge, closes it, opens the cabinet door, ditto. She says, “I’m
hungry, and I can’t wait until next period.” I said, “L, I have pita
& hummus and some grapes or mini bonne-belle cheese in there. There
is also some trail mix in the cabinet.”
“No, that’s okay”
“’Bye L.”
“Bye.”
--submitted by KH
Hair Check
Blankets to a substitute male teacher (a virtual stranger) this morning in the library,
"How does my hair look today? Did I do it good?"
"How does my hair look today? Did I do it good?"
11.21.2011
In The Library
Blankets talking to another lady,
"...I bit my tongue when I was sleeping last night..."
"...I bit my tongue when I was sleeping last night..."
Don't Cry Over Spilt Beer
The Scene: a college boy, probably a freshman, walking around campus with his parents explaining,
"...so that's why you use CHEAP beer for beer pong..."
"...so that's why you use CHEAP beer for beer pong..."
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